[Toa Mata Nui 9]

someone please, just message me, something. i could use someone to talk to, or with, or listen to, something, please. Normally I would not have need to, for circumstances would be different, normally, but circumstances are neither normal nor planned for [by myself], that I would have some manner of back-up plan set in place, to fall back on; nor would I normally be so poor in heart--so weak in spirit--to ask for such help.
I am limited in my options, most of my usual methods and channels of communication, as well as devices through which I may reliably access the internet, are limited--severely reduced.
The only ways I may be realistically communicated with is here--by way of this thread or private messaging--by email, or by way of a landline phone, the number of which I have not provided--nor am very likely to provide, as it stands currently--all other means are unavailable to me presently, in whole or part, and thus may not be effectively made use of, (elsewise I would most certainly be doing so presently, for efficiency's sake alone--no offense intended to those of you here on the forums).

Again, any jokes, any conversation, anything of the sort ...just been away from people for too long, after getting accustomed to almost always having people there to talk to, should--...?! ...?--just having people to talk to readily available, and it has taken a heavier toll each time, and each time... each time I would get closer to people,... only to have it taken away, striped, yanked, out of my grasp ...and... ...I--I don't like admiting it, but I--don't want to be stuck  alone, not anymore, and I... its both--I both--am terrified and don't much care that I'm so damned emotional these days, why? Why... I mean, I know why, but I don't get it, I don't want to accept it, and it would take too long to explain such things here, now--be too long to be permissable as tangents--and I'm afraid, that I've come to rely on other people too much--not to do things for me, but dependent ... afraid that now, on my own--without people, I would eventually crumble.
I know this must sound so odd, coming from me, but now looking back, perhaps not--yet you can't see what (and how) I see, you ... I suppose I'm just typing this still, just to... *sigh* ...and perhaps the saddest part is, you don't likely know me well enough to know what all the elipsis-es are for, or to know what I'm leaving out--but typing with a Wii remote isn't exactly efficient [enough to validate reason to include the missing information], plus it is limiting in various other ways, plus I mostly ignored my current rendition of one of my personal rules on em dashes (such are always subject to change, if I find a better alternative method which I can use consistently).

[I don't want to trouble, or worry any of you, I don't want to put this here, to put it off onto any of you, but right now, you are all I have.]


I think I'm just rambling at this point. ... don't care to go back and review/revise/edit this [start to finish], too burnt out, already.
If you've read this far, you're either crazy, or probably think I now am. I wouldn't blame you for thinking that. maybe I am...

[Zito]

What do you want to talk about man? We're always here if you need it.

[Tslat]

And you cN always join teamspeak
There's people on there constantly to talk to


What's up

[Toa Mata Nui 9]

TeamSpeak isn't exactly an option at the moment... my computer isn't exactly available presently,...--otherwise there wouldn't be as much an issue, though one recent one would still be presenting itself, for--so is my smartphone, all of which is... well, its a rather long story, I must say, which I am slightly embarrassed to mention here, for my reasons.

Well, "slightly" is a drastic understatement, but its complicated, and incredibly so; I digress. Besides that, talking has gotten awkward, after so much typing, partly due to not having my computer and internet connection for it simultaneously, and reliably, for so long, and partly for other reasons, which likely contributed less overall.

A heads-up, its late, so my usual English may be hazy and confusing, but I will try my best to reduce that issue, although I may wind up making it worse in the process. I also kind-of lost my train of thought. So... rip whatever I was trying to say however many minutes ago.


P.S.: I want to say, but... ehhhhh conflicting emoti--er, thoughts. I want to show you, ... but I don't want to--well, I suppose I already have. *sigh* Damn me and my... whatever-you-would-call-it. I digress. I suppose I would want to show you ... but then I'd have a lot more explaining to do. Damn me, because I would need to explain why I am typing my thoughts, so openly, anyway. *sigh* Oh well. Lots of explaining to do, where to start? Perhaps "When" is a better question: probably not tonight; this late.

P.P.S.: Why am I doing this, why? Why don't I --oh. right. Loneliness. Lack of communication with people. Et cetera.

I feel like I am just making a massive fool of myself. Say it is not so, honestly?
Why do I feel depressed? Why so grieved, sorrowful? Why so sad, why so alone, when in past, not but under 3 months ago--under 27 days ago, even--I was so joyous, so full of liveliness, so... ... . When in years past, I was seemingly enough to keep myself from loneliness, but now, in recent months, especially, it is no longer so, and I find that disturbing, that loss of independence, but at the same time, I like seeing others' opinions, views, thoughts, interests; ultimately helping me in trying to understand people and myself better, (among other things).

[Toa Mata Nui 9]

Dare I show you? No. Not publicly. Privately, yes. Though I cannot say I am not tempted, but I am also not crazy enough to risk it publicly, to risk it. If you are curious and daring, message me and I will send you the link.

[Tslat]

You sound like you're asking for help and then you turn it into a game.

[Clay]

spit it out, whats going on? how can we help?

[Toa Mata Nui 9]

I suppose I am either crazy, or I not yet am.
I went back and read my past messages on this thread, and the first (see Reply#1) makes the most sense, says the most, provides the best understanding overall.

I suppose, I feel misunderstood, greatly, and am seeking out people whom I mayest talk with, who might understand.

I suppose my thoughts were quite a mess yesterday, last night, and for that I apologise. I suppose I just haven't been quite myself for rather a while, by now.

I suppose it is only right that I give you better background, that I give the link which I am still reluctant to provide--for it might would prevent me from ever going back ..., though I suppose it is already too late to go back to how it was, to revisit the past in the present.
I don't have the link with me at the moment, but as soon as I may aquire it, copy it, and post it, I will try to do so. When I do, I must, however hesitantly, however cautiously, explain it, and will.

Beyond that which is necessary to explaining aforementioned topic, I still consider much of the details of the situation to be non-public information (private, confidential; personal). I realise that doesn't help my situation, keeping that information, but understand that I am not yet comfortable with sharing it publicly, partly because I may not be able to present it properly, and sufficiently, both with and without bias, et cetera.

[Tslat]

So in summary:

"You don't understand

That's all I can tell you"

??

[Toa Mata Nui 9]

*sigh*
No, not quite.

I can say more, but about one matter, not yet publicly.
About the matter of ____ ____ and _______, et cetera, I may say in public, though I am hestitant to do so in this and a few other cases, for my reasons (which may should be dismissed as mere stubbornness, and then go on ahead toward explaining the thing anyway--which in this case, I shall [once I have the link I mentioned earlier [and then will not refrain from going into detail on the matter, though hesitant I still may be in explaining it]]).

[Clay]

I suppose ,we cannot help then.
I suppose The Donor section of the forums are not public.....

[Toa Mata Nui 9]

Interesting perspective, that thought hadn't even crossed my mind, for some reason. Heh-heh, suppose I forgot about thinking outside the metaphorical box.

Still, though... .
I suppose I shall need to sleep on that one, then I shall see about it on the morrow.

As for the link, however, I still plan to work on that matter tonight, if possible.

[Toa Mata Nui 9]

I believe this is the link I want, (although I may have mistyped it, but hopefully I will be able to double-check against that tonight) :
http://aminoapps.com/page/furry-amino/9242478/jeku-rayn

I still don't know how to explain it, and in searching for the page, I only found that there was far more to explain than I had previously realized.


Oh, where to even start? Four months ago? Three? Five? Half-a-dozen? About 30 days? Seven, or maybe more months ago?
Oi, much, much, much to explain.

I might recommend looking into my Steam page, and relatively recent activities there of mine, recent groups joined, or friends added, recent change of nick and avatar image, description change, and perhaps status update messages.
I may also suggest taking a look at the link I gave--assuming it works--and doing a bit of research there as well, to cover base, before reading on.



Okay, so, is this a long story! Wow, uh, I don't even know if I can tell it, its so long, but I shall try, nonetheless....

I believe the best place to start was a while back, back when I met a fellow on Steam. He went by "Jack Savaros", or something like that. Nice fellow; a furry. We talked about various things. Such a honest and kind fellow, truly. He helped me understand various things about the [furry] fandom, for which I was grateful, but he also helped me a few times, somehow, when I was in low spirits, or uneasy of some things, to ease my soul, or to raise my spirits. Such a humble fellow. Great guy. Me, I was a bit stubborn about a few things, but time and experience luckily prevailed. He eventually joined a group, which led me to another kind fellow, another furry. He was kind, and understanding, and knew a number of things about the [furry] fandom, which at the time, I did not. We talked about quite a bit. Such a lively fellow, but I won't mention his name, for his sake. He also was there for me various times. I believe this was around September, 2016, at this point in time. I later met a couple others through Steam, but sometime later, after about three different furry Discord servers, discovered, and eventually decided to try out this "furry amino" app I was beginning to hear so much about, and when I did I was aghast at the amount of positivity, the kindness, the willingness to help, the... ... wow... . It was... wow. Awesome. The best--no offense, fellow Claytonians--community I had ever witnessed to date, still is--again, no offense. I never in my life imagined I would ever ... just wow. So naturally, I wanted to be a part of that, to contribute to it; it is what had let me feel like I could open up as much as I have in recent times, it was a joy, a thrill, a passionate hobby, and heck, I even was inspired by that atmosphere, and by those who had done similar for me, to help those low in spirit, those without a good friend, to befriend (or, "be [as] a friend to") them, and I even found folks who could use that sort of thing--I just kinda felt terribly distraught when I suddenly couldn't be there for them, as I am unable to now.

[And to think,] all because of a misunderstanding.

[Tslat]

Still not really sure what you're upset about to be honest.

Your explanation didn't give any reasoning at all, it just started with a backstory then suddenly ended.

I want to try something with you.
When you write your next post, i want you to speak to yourself, out loud. I want you to verbally say your post as if we were right there and listening. Then i want you to write down EXACTLY what you said out loud and post it here.
Don't worry about punctuation, don't worry about whether it could be offensive or seem poorly worded. No filtering at all.

Do that for me

[Toa Mata Nui 9]

I'm not sure I remember how to anymore.


P.S.: (I don't think it necessary to put this in a different comment entirely, due to the simplicity and shortness of this one, but) here is another link, copy-pasted--rather than searched, kept in mind, then typed:
http://aminoapps.com/page/furry-amino/2772110/about-myself

[Toa Mata Nui 9]

I've failed.
    I've failed you all.
     By not being the best person I could be, by being lazy, by not being there, if only to talk to, by not respecting some of you enough at times, by being slack with my duties, by failing myself, by all this and so very much more, I have failed all of you, and I hereby admit to, confess, and deeply apologize for my actions. Please forgive me.

I'm sorry.
     About so many things, for so many things I did wrong, so many people I have failed; for becoming angry with people, for being impatient; for not trying hard enough at times; for giving up too early; for not being there for you when you needed someone to; for forgetting humility, for forgetting meekness, for losing faith; for so many things I have said over the years which have angered, annoyed, and wronged others; for any and all lies and half-truths I have told; for all this, and so, so very much more, I am sorry, deeply, and I just ask that you please forgive me.

  I wasn't there.
      I wasn't there for so many of you, when I could have been. Not just Claytonia, not just people on Steam, Discord, and Skype, but so many others, for whom I have no tally (count). I wasn't there, and I should have been, what manner of person calls themselves a friend to others, yet isn't there for them, as a good friend would be? What manner of person calls themselves a friend to others, and annoys them? Woe to me, for my failures, which I can only hope I might right in the future! Please, forgive me. If I have wronged you in any way, if I have ever annoyed you, if I have ever lied to you, in any manner, please forgive me: I sincerely apologise, and wish to make right my wrongs.

[Toa Mata Nui 9]

You know, I am glad that I opened up like I did, because I was only holding myself back, by holding back certain things--I was only chaining myself. Now that I've removed those bounds, I may no longer go back, but thus far, nothing bad has happened, so I doubt anything will anytime soon as a result of my doing so.

I don't get why I was afraid, I know my reason, but it seems silly, looking back. Perhaps it was a way of coping... perhaps I just wasn't ready to face certain things, and certain possibilites. There was a certain simplicity to it, but it was a misjudged one at that.


I know not whether this is merely coincidence, but it would seem to me that somehow or another, Tslat always knows just the right thing to say at any given time.
I would like to take a moment to thank Tslat, for all he has done for this community, and whether knowingly or not, for myself personally, as well.

*bows* Thank you, Tslat.